22 October 2012

***WARNING: a very long, very personal rant. Do not read, unless you want to be exhausted.***

Good and sad news on the Fred front. Good news is that he is almost all better and will be discharged this Friday. Sad news is that he acts like an invalid when people are around + has completely bought into the bull.

At the very beginning, I made the big mistake of confiding in the stepsisters about my mom's selfishness and that she and Fred aren't happy, all of which she totally owns up to btw. Apparently they have been using that as the excuse for their bad attitudes. Um, no. They've been dreadful from day one, before they knew a thing. And it doesn't explain their eagerness for him to change his will to one that gives them a bigger slice of the pie. Otherwise most of it goes to stepsister 3, and any money that she would get would be have to be used to pay off his various bills and properties. Doesn't explain all the bad things they said about his sister- not having a cell phone, and going on a short trip to Gatlinburg.

For 2+ years, he was pushing me to get along with my mom...long story...but now that we are civil, said that I "switched sides," and that "no one cares about him; they only care about themselves." They've been saying this about me since the second my mom started being nice to me. When I asked why he would say something like that, he replied that it's because my mom and I aren't there 24/7 (again, their words) and got mad that I was filling him in on the details of why people aren't getting along, claiming that I was trying to drag him into an argument. First of all, I've only ever been on his side- till now. Secondly, I was only trying to explain why no one is getting along, as he was depressed about it. The arguing that did take place was because my word suddenly meant nothing to him. Nothing I said was getting through to him. I've sat silently and dealt with their bullying for over a month and a half. Evidently it's a-ok to treat me like scum, make visitation a living nightmare, but Heaven forbid I say anything remotely negative about them...because, according to them (and now he believes), everything is my fault.

I even have physical evidence of how they act, completely unprovoked, in the form of availability sheets. My mom came up with it so that we could sort of avoid each other but still all be there for Fred, only they decided not to take part and instead write mean, passive-aggressive messages including "I'll get here when I get here- you will KNOW!!!" and "Fred comes 1st -before shopping, extra activities, social activities- we can ALL make sacrifices." Yeah we ended up taking it down after B#2 wrote a two-page rant after the second time I had to rewrite the thing. Fred knew about it, but got mad at my mom and I about it. Not sure how that works.

Good to know that he suddenly holds my job, budding career, and desire to graduate this semester against me. Was not aware that wanting to take care of myself and give time to the other people I love was something to be ashamed of. They can try all they want, I do not -and will not- feel guilty about this.

I'd say 95% of my feelings toward my mother are due to direct experience, 5% due to everything he's told me about her over the past couple years. It was difficult when she started talking to me again. After over 2 years of her holding  grudge, she let go- all because I walked her out of the room and to her car. She was about ready to inflict bodily harm because those two were preventing her from entering his hospital room while they filed paperwork behind everyone's back. I was telling her to stop reacting because it's just not worth the hassle. Their attitudes/reactions aren't so much scary as they are incredibly annoying and sometimes panic-inducing. Imagine two drunk-sounding hillbillies (who think they're classy because they own a couple Louis Vuitton monogram canvas items) coming at you from both sides, looking like burnt, expired sausages ^^;;
In the past, she has been nice only because she needs something. I am still very wary... but I'm trying to let go of the past while being wise about it. This is why I've embraced her recent kindness. Since then I've been very blunt with her. Not mean, just honest. She can be such a brat sometimes...

Whenever my mom isn't around, he whines to them about what a terrible and selfish person she is. Whenever they're not around, he's calling my mom practically non-stop to visit him at the hospital, saying they're too busy for him. I've sat there week after week for over two years listening to him complain about anything and everything.. but he can't listen to or even stand up for me when I need him to believe me.

Today, they (stepsister 1 and her mom) walked out on him after finding out that my mom stayed overnight with him the night before. They left him alone all afternoon and evening, because he refuses to break it off with my mom. What happened to their favorite slogan: "Fred comes 1st"?
Seems he left out the part about how he frantically called her to come stay with him. She drove all the way there to see him at past 11pm, even though she was dead tired. She's done this several times, not just at night but at all hours of the day, and that's a lot for someone as incredibly self-centered as she is. Lately he calls her to come over and feed him his meals, even though he is fully capable of feeding himself... Yeah....

I called to say goodnight after getting home from dinner with mom, which is how all this happened. He expressed his feelings of depression because "No one is getting along." We got into it, because of hurtful things he said to me including what I mentioned above. All the while, failing to mention that they had come back and were sitting there the entire time, listening in on the whole thing. He gave me the impression that he was just watching tv by himself, about to go to sleep. It was almost 11pm, after all. I had to find out for myself via one of them shouting "HI CAMILLE" very obnoxiously toward the end of our conversation. I got phone calls from B#2 and a voice message afterward from B#1- ignored, ignored, deleted without even listening to it. Got phone calls from Fred too. I'm almost certain that it was them, using his phone. They've done it before.

It's become obvious to me that he, like them, thrives off of the drama. This is going to sound awful but I'm DONE. If he wants to believe them and allow them to treat me (and others who care for him) the way that they have, then fine. Let them waste their time and energy. I quit this game. Why should I have to sit there day after day, and for what- so that I can be abused and blamed for nothing? Oh yeah, I don't have to. I'm taking a stand by living my life without them in it. He can call me when he knows what he wants. One of my biggest pet peeves are people who provoke/thrive off of drama to feel important. In his case inviting the stepsisters and my mom to visit, telling neither one that the other is coming, and sitting idly by as a several car pile up and eventually a gas truck explosion happens right in front of him. I would have continued dealing with this stuff, but it's too much to take now that he's officially been brainwashed. Or maybe this is who he really is. Two people acting like this is bad enough, now Fred? Stepsister 3 told me in the beginning that stepsisters 1 and 2 were "two-faced b*tches." "Don't give them your heart because they will use it against you." Looks like she was absolutely right, and yet she flocks to them the second they enter the room and joins in. Sigh. My biggest regret is confiding in them in the beginning. Had no idea they were psychotic and would use my sh*tty childhood and personal experiences as an excuse to be raging b*tches 99.999% of the time.

This is what I said to James- I have never reminded him or wanted to be rewarded for the time I've spent with him- long before, during, or after surgery. This whole time -not just lately- I've been trying to get him to let go and move on with his life so he can be happy. All I really wanted was for him to see what's right in front of him. She's been ready for a long time and has made it perfectly clear over the years, but he keeps dragging her back in fear of being alone and not taken care of. If he wants to stay with someone who supposedly makes him miserable then too bad. It's disappointing but I'm not about to fight for someone who clearly doesn't believe me. I've only known them for a month and a half- how does this explain the other 40 something years? Sometimes we put a lot of love and energy into people and it just doesn't work out.

One thing I am sorry for is all the bitching about this topic. Hoping that this is the last I'll have to say about it -until something good happens, like Fred snapping out of it.

***End of rant.***

No comments:

Post a Comment